Finding Joy

I've never really been a gloomy person.  I mean, I have my moments, but I tend to be upbeat.  Though not necessarily one of those obnoxiously chipper people who bounces around and talks in a high pitch voice.  I want to punch those people.  No, just someone who leans towards the sunny side of things.  I've always had the ability to laugh, to find humor in things that aren't inherently funny.   But, truthfully this year has been a bit hard.  I've struggled with depression for the first time in my life.  Initially and mostly, I think it is from postpartum.  Although, I think it has been intensified by circumstances.  There have been a lot of different things at work.  Not to mention, a huge life shift for me.  I think it is just now really sinking in that I am a full-time stay-at-home mom.  For so long my job defined me.  It is kind of strange to be without a profession.  Over the last couple of months, I have felt like the fog has been lifting.  But this week has been hard.  There is a lot of different factors, but the main thing is that it marks the 5 year anniversary of my mom's death.  I miss her so much.  And, with the year I've had, I'd give just about anything to have one cup of coffee with her.  To talk to her about all of the emotions and upheaval this year has brought.  All that to say, I've just felt like I have been walking through sand.  Slowly pushing through the days with such resistance.  Every little thing has been hard.  Honestly, I like I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  I know this wouldn't help a thing, but it is how I feel.   I suppose that is the upside of small children.  They don't allow you the luxury of wallowing in self pity.  I have to get out of bed, they need me.

After a miserable start to the week, I decided that I was going to try my best to find the beauty and joy in my life.  When you are having a "Debbie Downer" kind of week, it is easy to just focus on all the crappie things.  Dwelling on the negative doesn't make you feel better, it makes you feel worse.  Not to mention the fact it makes you a terrible person to be around. So, I took a deep breath and got busy.  Busy, taking care of my little home that I love.  Busy, cooking for my family.  Busy, playing with my boys.  Busy, running.  Busy, laughing with Jason.  Busy, spending time with friends.  And, you know what . . . . I really do feel better.   The sadness is still there but not overpowering.  I do plan to take sometime this weekend to have a good cry.  I don't think shoving all your feelings down is healthy, but at the same time, you just can't let them dominate you.  Balance.  Balance is key.

And, some pockets of joy in my week . . .

A backyard picnic with my boys.



 My flowers. I'm still working on flower arranging. Jason thought this was pretty but also kind of looked like something you would see on a church alter. Gladiolas are weird to work with because of their height. Still pretty though, and I grew it which brings it's own satisfaction.

 

 Zucchini Cake with Crunchy Lemon Glaze. This was amazing. I forgot to snap a photo with my camera, and there isn't much left now. Here is an instagram picture. Good thing running is one of coping mechanisms.

 A walk through a garden. My friend Valerie always seems to know the right time to kidnap me. We went to her Aunt's house to take some photos of Stella in her garden. Her garden is amazing. It is everything I could possibly hope for my garden to look like. Granted, her property is WAY bigger than mine by still the concepts and designs she uses are amazing. One day I need to go back without the kids and get some good photos. It is gorgeous. She has these amazing little vignettes scattered around. Here are a few photos of the garden and the kids.

 

I think this is a potting shed!?!



Dirt!











They all look guilty.  What, us digging in the dirt . . .  no way.



I want to get a stone bunny.  She had them everywhere and Henry was obsessed with them.  That and these little seed pods on the ground.  He kept collecting them and calling them his baby greens.  Wish I'd got a picture of him stuffing them in his pockets.









And my favorite photo from the day . . . .



Apparently we are entering the 'girls have cooties stage' early.

So, there you have it.  A little joy.  It really is the small things that make the days worth living.  Baby giggles, good coffee, yummy food, pretty things and people to share all those things with.   Thanks for letting me share them with you.

PS.  Look at Alex go!!  We are making progress every day.

P.P.S.  Me and my boys.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a picture with both the kids at this age.  Pretty much impossible.  Here is as close as we got.