4.19.2012

Naked Butt

While I was brushing my teeth the other morning I was hit with the sensation that something wasn't quiet right. Everything you've heard about mother's intuition is true.  Such a thing exists. It isn't always accurate. And sometimes it misses things, like when I went coed skinny dipping as a teenager my mom never caught wind of that one.   Somethings parents don't need to know. But on the morning in question, this morning my gut was right.  I walked into my dinning room and was confronted with my front door standing wide open, Henry in front of it and a very awkward man standing on the porch.  Dumbfounded and confused I just said "Umm, hi."  In a thick Tennessee draw the man responded "Hi mam' I am your insurance adjustor from Farm Bureau."  Let me tell you, they are true to their image.  I have never met anyone that worked there that wasn't a good ol' boy.  Before the last of his twang had left the air I had suddenly became aware of the situation before me.  My eyes started to dart around wildly.  It was Henry's preschool day.  Getting us out the door is always chaos.  The hour preceding our departure I always ask myself if it is even worth it.  My house is a disaster.  A few minutes earlier I heard Henry yell "diapers everywhere" and indeed they were everywhere.  He had emptied an entire box all over the living room while I was packing his lunch.  And there are toys all over the floor and contents of Henry's backpack are dumped all over the table.  The table that has a banana peel and cheerios all over it.  And then, I look at henry.  I can see his little naked butt sticking out from under his tshirt.  Before I can even form the thought, "where are his underwear?" I realize where they are.  They are on his head, naturally.   Then finally the biggest revelation of all hits me, henry just opened the door for a stranger.  A STRANGER.   What if it had been a pot head looking for a ride, that could happen in our neighborhood.    The only positive thing running through my head at this point is, thank god I am dressed.  If he had showed up 15 minutes earlier I would have been in my two sizes too big pajamas and no bra.  At least I am clothed.

 As everything sinks in I just start blurting out incoherent sentences. "Henry don't open the door." "We don't wear underwear on our head."  "My house is a mess."  And I think I tossed an I am sorry in there more than once.  At that point I make eye contact with the adjustor and ask "do you have kids?"  You see there is this unspoken bond all parents share.  They get that insanity.  They know the feeling of embarrassment and powerlessness that small children bring.  They have been in the trenches.  There is almost a pleading ton in my voice.  Please have children, please.  Nope.  No such luck.  No kids. As Alex starts to cry I just sigh and tell him that this is only the tip of the iceberg.  It gets even crazier.  And after he had to listen to us get ready, he looked at our roof.  At one point Henry was running through the house screaming "No pants.  No pants.  I don't want to wear pants." All this while Alex was crying and our dog (the worst guard dog ever) decided to start barking 15 minutes too late. That poor man probably left my house, went to the nearest urologist and demanded a vasectomy on the spot. Now the point of this post, other than to give you a reason to laugh at me (and laugh you should),  is to address how parenthood has changed me.  There was a time, not too long ago when I would have died if someone had seen my house a disaster.  Hell, there was a time I would have been horrifed if I had been seen without make up.  But my friends, times have changed.  I have changed.  Now don't get me wrong, I still wasn't thrilled about having someone see the insanity of my life but I am just going to roll with it.  You have to roll with it.  Kids will be kids.  I am positive this is not the last time Henry will embarrass me.    My knee jerk reaction is to lay on the floor and writhe in self pity.  My naked child opened the door for a stranger, my house was a mess, Alex was crying and I didn't have on mascara.  But instead I just laughed and strugged it off.  Learning to let things go is making me a better parent (and a better person).  Why stress?

 Oh and you know I have a picture.   Guys, I almost didn't post.  But then I thought, lets keep it real and at times my house is really a mess and my toddler looks like this . . . .

 Untitled-1.jpg

 Of course I sensored it.  I did briefly think about the fact that when Henry is 16 he might not be so keen on the fact that there is a half naked picture of him on the internet.  Then I thought of all the sleepless nights I've had since his birth and thought he kind of owes it to me.  Besides, I can use it as leverage.   If He starts acting like a punk I can remind him of the fact that I have the unedited photo tucked away and that I am not afraid to use it. I think blackmail is always an effective parenting strategy.

 PS.  As the adjustor was leaving my dog tried to follow him and I didn't even notice.  He came back up on the porch and said "umm mam', is this your dog?"  I have no control over anything. Welcome to parenthood.

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