This weekend would have been my mom's birthday. This is the 5th birthday that she hasn't been with us. There aren't even words for how difficult it was for me. I miss her so much. I know it sounds odd in some ways, but the time almost makes it harder. I think it is the monumental amount of change that has occured in my life. I've had two babies since she's been gone. I just hate that she missed the chance to meet them and that they won't ever know her. I was all over the place this weekend, one minute all I wanted to do was talk about her and the next minute I couldn't even glance at her picture without bursting into tears. There are so many things that I want to talk to her about. Things I wish i could have asked her about motherhood. I mean, we would have just disagreed because we butted heads 90% of time. We were both insanely stubborn. But, I miss having the chance to argue with her about various parenting strageies. I wonder if she would be proud of me? What would she think of my choices? Would she think I was strong or weak? What about my choice not to work? It meant so much to her that I graduated from college but (let's be honest) I don't really need a 4-year degree to be a stay at home mom. Basically, I just wish I could have coffee with her. I want to talk to her, argue with her and tell her all about my wonderful little boys. Life just isn't fair. It is so short and fragile.
I did find this great quote while I was poking around online.
I would loved to have been at the beach this weekend. The ocean is such a special place for my family. We scattered my mom's ashes at sea. Unfortunately, I couldn't make the trip but I did get in plenty of tears and some sweat in the form of a mind clearing run. Can you see the greasy toddler thumb print?
Since I had the scanner out I thought I'd upload a few other random sketch pages. I love doodling words and phrases. It is a great way to mediate on something, the entire time I am working on page I found myself thinking about the words and what they mean to me. It has been a great discipline.