This weekend would have been my mom's birthday.  This is the 5th birthday that she hasn't been with us. There aren't even words for how difficult it was for me.   I miss her so much.  I know it sounds odd in some ways, but the time almost makes it harder.  I think it is the monumental amount of change that has occured in my life.  I've had two babies since she's been gone.  I just hate that she missed the chance to meet them and that they won't ever know her.  I was all over the place this weekend, one minute all I wanted to do was talk about her and the next minute I couldn't even glance at her picture without bursting into tears. There are so many things that I want to talk to her about.  Things I wish i could have asked her about motherhood. I mean, we would have just disagreed because we butted heads 90% of time.  We were both insanely stubborn.  But, I miss having the chance to argue with her about various parenting strageies.  I wonder if she would be proud of me?  What would she think of my choices?  Would she think I was strong or weak?  What about my choice not to work?  It meant so much to her that I graduated from college but (let's be honest) I don't really need a 4-year degree to be a stay at home mom.  Basically, I just wish I could have coffee with her.  I want to talk to her, argue with her and tell her all about my wonderful little boys. Life just isn't fair. It is so short and fragile.


I did find this great quote while I was poking around online.


I would loved to have been at the beach this weekend.  The ocean is such a special place for my family.  We scattered my mom's ashes at sea.  Unfortunately, I couldn't make the trip but I did get in plenty of tears and some sweat in the form of a mind clearing run. Can you see the greasy toddler thumb print?

Since I had the scanner out I thought I'd upload a few other random sketch pages.  I love doodling words and phrases.  It is a great way to mediate on something, the entire time I am working on page I found myself thinking about the words and what they mean to me.  It has been a great discipline.




No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...