Where do we pee? In the POTTY.

Potty training is a bitch.  Yeah, I said it.  I just can't think of any other way to describe it. No one tells you that it is infinitely harder on the parent than the child.  This is even the case when you take the "child-led" approach.  Henry is all geared up for potty training.  But, there are accidents and over sprays.  Umm, teaching a little boy to pee in the toilet is a sure fire way to make sure that every inch of your home is covered in urine.  I've spent the two years of his life being keenly aware of Henry's bathroom habits.  Now, we are taking that one step further.  We are celebrating them.  Only a parent can truly understand the awkward feeling that comes with dancing around a toilet full of poop.  It is a little creepy.  And, Henry has no interest in privacy.  I've gently tried explaining that grownups like privacy when they go potty.  He just looks at me and says "no, you watch Henry."  And so, I watch Henry.  We make such a fuss of his toilet usage that I slightly worry that he is going to be disappointed when he grows up and realizes no will celebrates his poop.  Add to the mix that I also have a 8 month old, which makes potty training even more intense.  Have you ever tried to balance a toddler on a toilet with one hand and a baby in the other?  If not, you are missing out on a real adrenaline rush.  You have to focus because the prospect of dropping either on a public bathroom floor is utterly disgusting and terrifying.

Of course, teaching a toddler to use the potty makes going anywhere difficult.  Right before Christmas we got stuck in the middle of nowhere with a friend and had a bathroom emergency.  My friend (Hi Valerie) and I deiced to take her 2 year old daughter (Miss Stella) and my two kids to look at Christmas lights.  This alone is almost a suicide mission, but it became full blown crazy because we had two potty training toddlers.  And of course we get out in the middle of nowhere and Henry announces that he needs to potty.  We spend a few awkward moments debating our next move.  Valerie, who is braver than me, announces that we will just pull over and let him go on the side of the road.  Which sounds good, except Henry has never peed outside or standing up.  We pull off into a creepy abandoned lot in the cold, drizzling rain.  The whole time Valerie is assuring me that Henry can do it.  Of course when I got out to get Henry he had kicked off his shoes and we can only find one.  Since time is of the essence, Valerie tosses me one of Stella's rain boots and tells me to just stick it on his other foot.  Henry, who loves pink, freaked out over the pink polka-dot rain boot.  I have to literally drag him out of the car while he is begging for the other pink boot.  About the time I get him out and into the grass Alex starts crying.  At that point, I realize I have no idea how to teach Henry to pee standing up. I know nothing about little boys.  This would be a great lesson for Jason to teach him, but unfortunately he was at work.  As Alex approaches full blown hysteria, Valerie offers to come and help Henry.  She has nephews, she is feeling good.  I point out that I don't even think he will go.  Then Valerie performs her magic.  She has the mom voice down to an art.  Kids just respond to her.  I even want to do what she says.  It is funny because she is super tiny but I think she could get anyone to do whatever she wanted.  She looks Henry in the eye and says "Henry, it is time to pee." And just like that, he starts.  But, he has never peed standing up and . . .  you guessed it . . .  pee goes everywhere.  All over him. All over Valerie. All over Stella's boot.  About this time Stella decides she needs to go.  Since I have Alex calmed down I get Stella out to go potty too.  This is when I realize that I have no idea how to get her to pee on the side of the road without making a mess.  This happens a lot when we go out.  I am the helpless parent.  Valerie is pouring gobs of hand sanitizer all over her urine soaked hands only to realize that she has to come help Stella because I am just not kid friendly.  I am getting better.  We get Henry stripped down to his pull up and toss him in the car.  Stella successfully does what she needs to without making a mess.  We get everyone in the car, thinking it is almost over.  Then we realize that we lost a paci.  This results is a chorus of whining.  Stella for her paci, Alex because he is hungry and Henry because he wants pink rain boots.   Of course this is one of the rare times that Valerie, who is a nurse, didn't have a pen light in the her car.  Eventually she finds a little key chain with a light, locates the paci and we load up and head off.  When we all get in the car, we just cracked up. I mean, how could we not?  The whole scene was so utterly ridiculous.  As we were pulling away Valerie mentions that this is one of those times she wish she carried a small hand gun* since we were out in the middle of nowhere.  I quickly pointed out that any criminal would have taken one look at our car full of kids and ran away.  Who needs gun when you have potty training toddlers.

In the mean time we are just going to keep plugging along.  Ever grateful in the knowledge that one day I won't have to wipe my kids butts anymore.  People tell me I will look back on this age and be somewhat wistful.  I mean they both are obscenely adorable right now.  But, I just don't know if I will ever live long enough to want to relive these days.  The poop aside (and there is a lot of poop), I haven't slept thought the night in months.  Then this morning Henry woke me up at 6am telling me he wanted a bagel.  In my sleep deprived state I said "Can't you get it yourself?"  His response "No mommy, you do it.  Get up right now, pea pea please."  Even with that cuteness it was inordinately hard to drag myself out of bed.  Then, it was time to poop . .  . again.   I have no idea how you people with 3, 4 and 5 kids do it.  Seriously, you should either be sainted or put in a mental institution.

*I am not a gun fan. I hate them.  I don't like the NRA.  I like gun control laws.  I even wrote a little about it a few years back.  That being said, EVERYTHING you've heard about southern folks and guns is absolutely true.  They love them.  It is just part of the culture in this area.  For most of the people in this area having a loaded gun on your person is like second nature.   This is one part of living in tennessee that I will never embrace.  Embracing my husband (who is a gun toting southerner), we be as close as I'll ever get.