1.22.2012

Thoughts on Marriage, and Divorce

I've been thinking a lot about divorce.  Not like I am looking get one, but just in theory.   I mean truthfully this is has been a rough year for my marriage.  There were moments when I thought for sure Jason and Jaime were going to go belly up.  We came to that point where we had to decide if we were going to make it work or call it quits.  We took the "make it work" approach.  And, so far it has been working.  Pretty well actually.  Apparently spending hundreds of dollars on counseling can actually be helpful.  The thing that I have been thinking about is my response.  Whenever I hear someone is separating, I always say "how sad."  But the thing is, it really isn't.  I mean, if they were unhappy, then it is good it ended.  I think Louis CK nailed it.  His quote is below. You can hear the audio here (good article btw).

Let me tell you something. And this is important because some day one of your friends is gonna get divorced. It’s gonna happen. And they’re gonna tell you, don’t go “Oh I’m sorry!” that’s a stupid thing to say. It really is. First of all, you’re making them feel bad for being really happy, which isn’t fair. And second, let me explain something to you. Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple. That’s never happened – THAT would be sad. If two people were married and they were really happy and they just had a great thing, and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times. Literally zero. Ray Charles has killed more jews than happy marriages have ended in divorce. So if your friend got divorced, it means things were bad and now they’re – I mean, they’re better. They’re not good. Life is shit wall to wall. But they’re better, so you should be happy.

Jason and I were talking about this last night and he informed me that he would be with me forever. But truthfully, can anyone really promise that?  I don't think anyone starts their marriage thinking it will end but lots of them do.  Five years ago I would have never imagined that we would be having the problems we've had, but here we are.  People change and grow, things change. Right now, we are happy again.  We plan on being happy together for a long time.  I guess it is just age but I now know enough to realize that 5 or 10 years from now things might be different.  We might be different people. That is just life.  I realize this all sounds negative but feel like it is a much more realistic view of a relationship than I held when I was in my 20s.  In my 20s I really believed that we were immune from marriage difficulties.  The thing is, no one really is.  Marriages take work, and even then sometimes they just end.  Having this view has helped me to appreciate the good parts of my relationship.  Marriages are fragile.  Don't take your spouse for granted.  Talk to each other, a lot.  Even about problems and things that might be a little difficult.  When you come to an impasse, get help. And, in the end, do what is best for you and your spouse.  For us it has been best to stay together but every couple is different.  We really shouldn't judge or be sad for other couples who decided to spilt.  I agree with Louis, no happy marriages end in divorce.

PS.  Some of this was triggered by the queen of blogging separating from her husband.  And, some other relationships that have gone belly up.

PPS.  Louis CK is amazing.  Funny and reflective but at times really vulgar.  Google with caution if you can be easily offended.  You've been warned.

PPPS.  This post was a bit heavy, here is a video of Alex playing before bed time for you end on.  I mean, how can this not make you smile?



PPPPS.  We really aren't separating.  I know some people are probably reading way to much into this post.  We really are in a good place, on a positive trajectory.

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