8.27.2010

Worst Version of Myself

It goes without saying that a child can bring out the very best in a person.  They bring joy and help you see how patient and giving you can be.  What I didn't expect is the moments in which your little bundle of joy can bring out the very worst in you.  Henry hasn't been sleeping well and when I don't get my rest, I get down right mean.  It isn't so much with Henry.  Oh yes,  I have been frustated with him.  But, honestly, I kind of take it out on Jason. He is the poor thing that gets the brunt of my ill temper.  I can hardly help from being a total butt when I am tired.  We lived with my mom for a little while when she was undergoing treatments for her cancer. She said that she hated to call me in the middle of the night when she was sick because I was mean. Well, not so much mean, just not nice.  I was all business.  Your sick? Okay to the bathroom, let me clean up the mess.  Do you need some of your anti-nausea medication?  Here is some water. That was it.  No warm and fuzzies.  I am pretty sure that she left me to clean up messes and called other members of my family to have them comfort her.  It wasn't that I didn't love my mom, nurturing just wasn't something that came naturally to me. And it really didn't come naturally to me at 3 am.  I wasn't the person that knew just what to say to make someone feel better. I knew how to get things done and maybe make someone laugh.  But when you take away my sleep, I just get hateful.

Now, I will say that having a child really does change you a little.  When Henry came I really did acquire this new skill of comforting a little one.  Heck, I have even been known to pick up my friends babies when they are crying.  Crying babies used to freak me out.  And, I wonder if I had been a parent when we lived with mom if I would have been more nurturing.  Although, when it come to adults, I still often find myself at a loss for words in serious situations. I still fall back on making fun of things.  This, by the way, drove my mom a bit crazy.  Anyway, back to the mean sleep deprived Jaime.  I hate her.  She sneaks up on me and they next thing I know I am biting off Jason's head.  He is the only one I guess I feel comfortable enough with to be mean towards. And, I hate it.  Do you have those moments when you behave is such a fashion that you are totally upset with yourself?  You know that moment of self loathing because you weren't a very nice person? I suspect we all have those moments.  Unfortunately, I have had a bit more than I would like to admit this week.  Plainly, Momma is tired.  Honestly, I think this stage in Henry's development has been by far the hardest stage so far.  He has had mood swings and temper tantrums.  He hasn't been sleeping well.  I think he might be teething but I have given up hypothesizing. All I know is that I spent this morning in a very deep moment of introspection (probably brought on my sleep depravation, I tend to be a bit melodramatic as well as mean when I am tired).  Why is it that I am so mean to the person that I love the most?  If I can be patient with Henry why can't I be patient with Jason.  Am I the only person that has this problem?  I am trying to work on some coping techniques.  I am also working on taking naps.  I think naps might be the cornerstone of my solution.  I don't think Jason will mind a messy house if he has a nice wife.

In between bouts with Henry's ill temper I did finish my creative color challenge paintings for this week.  They are more like watercolor doodles.  I did them while watching TV and trying to get little bear to sleep. Usually, I have a plan in mind when I start a painting.  This week there was a theme in addition to the color.  It was "Into the Sea." While I love the ocean, I just have never been much for nautical theme paintings.  So, I had no plan and no motivation.   Anyway, this is what I came up with.  I am just glad I finished this week early.

I dedicate these to Jason.  The most amazing husband ever.  Because he loves me, even when I am not the nicest person.

wavessea grass

PS.  This post was written under the influence of antihistamines (season change, fun!) and lack of sleep.  I can not be held responsible for the rambling tone of this post.

6 comments:

  1. Hi! I found you through the color challenge. I can totally relate to this post. I have a 18....wow.....no....now he's a19 month old boy. I too am very tired and tend to snap at my wonderful husband. Naps DO help...it's worth leaving the house messy to be a bit nicer and happier. I've read back through several of your posts and can relate to so much. I love how honest you are about everything, it's wonderful! And I've been trying to go through and get rid of extra crap. I have 4 HUGE bags of clothes waiting to be dropped off at a charity. It feels good! I still have tons to go through tho.

    Anyway, I LOVE your artwork, it's beautiful! I LOOOOVE the yellow painting and I love these 2 pieces....ooh swirls....so pretty. I recently made a large painting for my sis with huge swirls that was so much fun! hmm....still need to post the pics of it. Sorry to ramble like this....I just really enjoy your blog and artwork and am going to sign up to follow because I feel at home here.....does that sound weird? I'm not a crazy stalker..I promise ;)

    Esther

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  2. Esther! Thanks for feeling at home! I try to be really honest because let's face it, sometimes life isn't that fun : ). Congratulations on getting rid of some extra crap! I have a closet in my living room that is packed to the gills, I think you may have finally motived me to tackle it!

    I have totally taken naps the last two days and I feel SO much better. I have almost been nice. Almost : )

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  3. Hi! I didn't even realize that you commented back! I usually don't check back in on my comments after I read them...now I wonder how many times I have missed comments back to me on other blogs...oops! It's a learning process. Thanks for visiting my blog and glad you liked my post! I love sharing my process...boring or not.

    Oh, and I'm glad the naps are helping....kinda. : )

    Esther

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  4. The naps are totally helping, in fact I want to take one now : ).

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  5. I really like your blog.  If you don't remember me we came to your house a couple of times with Amber when we lived in Cleveland she was my neighbor. I totally understand when you take the stress of kids out on  your husband. I tend to take it out on my kids and hubbie especially when I'm pregnant.  I turn into this other person who my husband or anyone else doesn't really care to be around.I wish I could find a solution to overcome the madness of my emotions mixed with my overwhelming schedule with three kids and one on the way. Good luck with your naps.  Naps aren't even an option for me anymore.

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  6. Thank you so much for reading! I can't imagine having three kids and one on the way, you are my hero! I feel like pregnancy put me on the fast track to insanity. I told Jason I couldn't have any more kids because I didn't want to put the boys through the process of me being pregnant again. I can totally relate. I hope you can get some rest soon. Good luck, sounds like you might need it : )

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