It goes without saying that a child can bring out the very best in a person. They bring joy and help you see how patient and giving you can be. What I didn't expect is the moments in which your little bundle of joy can bring out the very worst in you. Henry hasn't been sleeping well and when I don't get my rest, I get down right mean. It isn't so much with Henry. Oh yes, I have been frustated with him. But, honestly, I kind of take it out on Jason. He is the poor thing that gets the brunt of my ill temper. I can hardly help from being a total butt when I am tired. We lived with my mom for a little while when she was undergoing treatments for her cancer. She said that she hated to call me in the middle of the night when she was sick because I was mean. Well, not so much mean, just not nice. I was all business. Your sick? Okay to the bathroom, let me clean up the mess. Do you need some of your anti-nausea medication? Here is some water. That was it. No warm and fuzzies. I am pretty sure that she left me to clean up messes and called other members of my family to have them comfort her. It wasn't that I didn't love my mom, nurturing just wasn't something that came naturally to me. And it really didn't come naturally to me at 3 am. I wasn't the person that knew just what to say to make someone feel better. I knew how to get things done and maybe make someone laugh. But when you take away my sleep, I just get hateful.
Now, I will say that having a child really does change you a little. When Henry came I really did acquire this new skill of comforting a little one. Heck, I have even been known to pick up my friends babies when they are crying. Crying babies used to freak me out. And, I wonder if I had been a parent when we lived with mom if I would have been more nurturing. Although, when it come to adults, I still often find myself at a loss for words in serious situations. I still fall back on making fun of things. This, by the way, drove my mom a bit crazy. Anyway, back to the mean sleep deprived Jaime. I hate her. She sneaks up on me and they next thing I know I am biting off Jason's head. He is the only one I guess I feel comfortable enough with to be mean towards. And, I hate it. Do you have those moments when you behave is such a fashion that you are totally upset with yourself? You know that moment of self loathing because you weren't a very nice person? I suspect we all have those moments. Unfortunately, I have had a bit more than I would like to admit this week. Plainly, Momma is tired. Honestly, I think this stage in Henry's development has been by far the hardest stage so far. He has had mood swings and temper tantrums. He hasn't been sleeping well. I think he might be teething but I have given up hypothesizing. All I know is that I spent this morning in a very deep moment of introspection (probably brought on my sleep depravation, I tend to be a bit melodramatic as well as mean when I am tired). Why is it that I am so mean to the person that I love the most? If I can be patient with Henry why can't I be patient with Jason. Am I the only person that has this problem? I am trying to work on some coping techniques. I am also working on taking naps. I think naps might be the cornerstone of my solution. I don't think Jason will mind a messy house if he has a nice wife.
In between bouts with Henry's ill temper I did finish my creative color challenge paintings for this week. They are more like watercolor doodles. I did them while watching TV and trying to get little bear to sleep. Usually, I have a plan in mind when I start a painting. This week there was a theme in addition to the color. It was "Into the Sea." While I love the ocean, I just have never been much for nautical theme paintings. So, I had no plan and no motivation. Anyway, this is what I came up with. I am just glad I finished this week early.
I dedicate these to Jason. The most amazing husband ever. Because he loves me, even when I am not the nicest person.
PS. This post was written under the influence of antihistamines (season change, fun!) and lack of sleep. I can not be held responsible for the rambling tone of this post.