Worst Version of Myself

It goes without saying that a child can bring out the very best in a person.  They bring joy and help you see how patient and giving you can be.  What I didn't expect is the moments in which your little bundle of joy can bring out the very worst in you.  Henry hasn't been sleeping well and when I don't get my rest, I get down right mean.  It isn't so much with Henry.  Oh yes,  I have been frustated with him.  But, honestly, I kind of take it out on Jason. He is the poor thing that gets the brunt of my ill temper.  I can hardly help from being a total butt when I am tired.  We lived with my mom for a little while when she was undergoing treatments for her cancer. She said that she hated to call me in the middle of the night when she was sick because I was mean. Well, not so much mean, just not nice.  I was all business.  Your sick? Okay to the bathroom, let me clean up the mess.  Do you need some of your anti-nausea medication?  Here is some water. That was it.  No warm and fuzzies.  I am pretty sure that she left me to clean up messes and called other members of my family to have them comfort her.  It wasn't that I didn't love my mom, nurturing just wasn't something that came naturally to me. And it really didn't come naturally to me at 3 am.  I wasn't the person that knew just what to say to make someone feel better. I knew how to get things done and maybe make someone laugh.  But when you take away my sleep, I just get hateful.

Now, I will say that having a child really does change you a little.  When Henry came I really did acquire this new skill of comforting a little one.  Heck, I have even been known to pick up my friends babies when they are crying.  Crying babies used to freak me out.  And, I wonder if I had been a parent when we lived with mom if I would have been more nurturing.  Although, when it come to adults, I still often find myself at a loss for words in serious situations. I still fall back on making fun of things.  This, by the way, drove my mom a bit crazy.  Anyway, back to the mean sleep deprived Jaime.  I hate her.  She sneaks up on me and they next thing I know I am biting off Jason's head.  He is the only one I guess I feel comfortable enough with to be mean towards. And, I hate it.  Do you have those moments when you behave is such a fashion that you are totally upset with yourself?  You know that moment of self loathing because you weren't a very nice person? I suspect we all have those moments.  Unfortunately, I have had a bit more than I would like to admit this week.  Plainly, Momma is tired.  Honestly, I think this stage in Henry's development has been by far the hardest stage so far.  He has had mood swings and temper tantrums.  He hasn't been sleeping well.  I think he might be teething but I have given up hypothesizing. All I know is that I spent this morning in a very deep moment of introspection (probably brought on my sleep depravation, I tend to be a bit melodramatic as well as mean when I am tired).  Why is it that I am so mean to the person that I love the most?  If I can be patient with Henry why can't I be patient with Jason.  Am I the only person that has this problem?  I am trying to work on some coping techniques.  I am also working on taking naps.  I think naps might be the cornerstone of my solution.  I don't think Jason will mind a messy house if he has a nice wife.

In between bouts with Henry's ill temper I did finish my creative color challenge paintings for this week.  They are more like watercolor doodles.  I did them while watching TV and trying to get little bear to sleep. Usually, I have a plan in mind when I start a painting.  This week there was a theme in addition to the color.  It was "Into the Sea." While I love the ocean, I just have never been much for nautical theme paintings.  So, I had no plan and no motivation.   Anyway, this is what I came up with.  I am just glad I finished this week early.

I dedicate these to Jason.  The most amazing husband ever.  Because he loves me, even when I am not the nicest person.



PS.  This post was written under the influence of antihistamines (season change, fun!) and lack of sleep.  I can not be held responsible for the rambling tone of this post.