Off to work I go

I have always said that I would go to work when I had a child. So, when today, that is to say THE DAY that I returned to work rolled around, I really thought I would be okay. I have been a little bummed to return to work. It is like the end of the honeymoon period. But I thought "I can totally do this." I completely underestimated how hard it would be. I didn't sleep last night because I was trying to figure out a way for me to quit work. Jason and I don't have much cash now but if I quit my job we would be P-O-O-R. We would be so broke that we would be eating rice and beans every night for dinner. However, I still spent most the night tossing and turning trying to eliminate things from our budget. The thing is, we don't live lavishly. After hours of thought I once again reached the conclusion that returning to work was my only choice. I couldn't call in heartbroken, Mamma had to make some money. And, in all fairness, I love my job. I feel the need to throw this in. If I hated what I did returning to work would have been much, much, much worse.

I woke up and knew that I could no longer put it off. I got up, got dressed, nursed Henry and packed the car. Here is a photo of us right before we left. Look, Mommy has on her brave face.

All the way to the church where Henry's day care is, I pumped myself up. "You can do this! Tons of women work! You have Henry in one the best child care facilities in town." Then I turned into the parking lot and forgot everything I thought on the way. At that point I considered just driving away. I could be in Florida before Jason got off work sipping a Mojito beside my sister's pool. Who needs money? Jason could come and join me and we could raise Henry as a Florida beach bum. Unfortunatly, Jason doesn't like the beach. I pulled into the parking lot and took a deep breath. I looked myself in the mirror and said "Jaime, pull yourself together! Your a modern woman." I scooped up my sweet child and all the crap I had to take with him. Really tiny babies require so much stuff. I walked in and was greeted with friendly smiles from the staff. As I was going through the list of what I had packed for Henry he woke up from his nap. He looked up at me and started smiling. He gave me the sweetest grin in the whole world. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes but I fought the urge to cry. He didn't need to see mommy loose it. I handed him over the nice lady who would be taking care of him. Did he cry? No! He giggled and started playing with her. I know that this is supposed to be conforting but it had the reverse affect. I wanted to snatch him out of her arms and yell "That is my sweet smile not yours!" I remained calm. I stepped into the office and picked up my key code. Then I stuck my head in the infant room to see how he was doing before I left. He was fine. Sitting in a swing smiling. He is so chill he wasn't even phased by what was going on. I said goodby and headed to my car.

About 10 feet outside the door I felt it coming. An intense ball of weepy tears rising up. I walked fast. I looked and there were a ton of kids on the playground. I make the ugliest crying face in the whole world. It is awful. No child should be exposed to it. It is a good thing I don't cry a lot. Jason describes it as my "catfish" crying face. It is like this face (see pic below), just not cute. This look isn't attractive on a grown woman.

The moment my butt hit the seat the dam opened. I sat there in the parking lot sobbing. At least I was hidden from all the kids. I was crying to the point of hyperventilating. Wasn't this supposed to be easy for me? This wasn't the reaction I expected at all. Then I called Ace. I kept it together long enough to ask for Jason without weeping like a baby. Then he got on the phone just in time of round two of the tears. I won't lie folks, it wasn't pretty. I cried all the way to Starbucks. When I reached the parking lot, I took a few moments to collect myself. I dried my tears and went inside. If the Bistro had been open, I would have been tempted to order a martini, however, at 8am it is more culturally acceptable to sooth yourself with caffeine, so Starbucks it was. My tall Verona blend with room for cream was lovely.

So how did the rest of the day go? Great. I only worked a half day. This was just enough time to come it the office get caught up on everything that is going on, check my email, bang my head against my desk a few times (Habitat is super busy right now) and leave. When I went to pick him up he was being rocked by one of the employees. The moment he saw me he broke out in the biggest smile I have ever seen. A smile that said "Silly Mommy, I will always love you the best. You have breast, now feed me women." I have never been so happy to nurse him. Now, we get to do it all over again tomorrow. Let's hope it really does get easier. All the crying messed up my makeup.