On this lovely, cool Saturday morning I find myself quite pensive. I should be deep cleaning my house, I am having house guest this week. However, instead of being a good wife, I am dwelling on the role faith and religion in my life. It seems that the mass majority of my conversations this week have been on serious topics such as social responsibility, poverty, what it means to be a Christian and so forth.
I don't know if it is age, education, or just my generation but it seems I have lost that sense of certainty as it relates to these issues. When I was young and idealistic it was very easy to give confident black and white answers in regards views on my life, politics, and religion. Everything has became muddled with age. In some ways I miss the young naive Jaime. The Jaime who could easily label herself.
I guess I thought that by my late twenties (am I really that old?) I would be more settled in my beliefs. Instead, I am more unsure. For those of you who don't know me well I went through a brief very conservative time in my life. I was super legalistic (you know no drinking, no rated "R" movies, no "secular" music). I was an Evangelical, Fundamentalist and, dare I say it, Pentecostal. I never felt like I fit this mold. I disagree with Fundamentalist (and most Pentecostal) theology now. But, for whatever reason, I felt pressured be one (most kids feel pressured to drink and have sex). It didn't take long for the pendulum to start swinging the other direction. I went from never missing to church to never going to church.
In the middle of my soul searching I lost my mom to cancer. Let me tell you, loosing someone close to you will quickly cause you to evaluate your faith and theology. Weirdly for me it made me even more anti-religion. I am not sure why. Okay, maybe it was all the TBN crap Mom watched, she was convinced she would be healed if she had enough faith. All this did was make the last days of her life miserable. After her death church has been hard for me. I really struggle with my views on faith and how this relates to the way I live my daily life.
I do love Jesus (please don't start a "prayer chain" for my salvation). I just cannot seem to decided how this all fits into my life, my politics, and my theology. Is there hope for me? Am I the only person who struggles with these issues?
Please comment, let's have a conversation. I would love to hear your thoughts this issue.
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